Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

Was just looking at my profile. Under interests:

Politics; laughing; green beans; frozen raspberries; Joshua; adventures; finding beauty where most never look; being that person that says they knew about something before mainstream media/everyone else got on it; being optimistic in the most dire situations; jammin'.

I think I can safely say all of those are still in my greatest interests, but I've let them slip and slide. Out of sight, out of mind? Mostly in referrence to the laughing and optimism. I'm not sure how to explain it. Or how I am where I am now. Was it all a cover up? Am I still that optimistic person deep inside, dying to get out and spin in circles under the clouds? Can I laugh now how I laughed a year ago?

This feels like it has been a week of two steps forward, one step back. I really thought I was getting somewhere with the whole "let's be positive" deal, until things totally out of my hands ruined it all. There's only so much "it could be worse" can fix. I mean, yes, it could play out:
Timmy - "Damn, I got a C on that paper I half-assed."
Johnny - "But golly, Timmy, it could be worse. You could have failed."
I feel like in the past four or five years, I've done the "it could be worse" dance a ton.. "Eh, I didn't do so well on the AP Calc test, but it could be worse - I could have failed the actual course." OR "DAMN, I didn't get that extra scholarship money to Santa Clara because my GPA was a 3.9 and not a 4.0, but it could be worse - I could'e not been accepted to any schools." I don't view those circumstances as dire or severe or life threatening, but I've used the line in other situations where, in retrospect, it isn't applicable: "Well, I was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 18, but it could be worse - I could have been diagnosed with terminal cancer." and "Grandpa died after a long and hard battle with Myasthenia Gravis (and a previous bout with bladder cancer), but it could be worse - he could still be alive and suffering."
I don't think there are trade offs for these things. I don't think there's a better option. I don't think a "it could be worse" scenario exists. I realize life is better than death in most circumstances, but I would not wish this form of life on anyone. Nor can I expect anyone to understand unless they really deal with it every minute of their life like me. It isn't that simple, yet it is. Perspective is key. Perspective makes a world of a difference, but it is very hard to understand or even attempt to understand with a closed mind and a closed heart.

Everything is just that simple. It's hard for me to remember this. There doesn't always have to be tradeoffs or compromise. I don't always have to "win". Just because I like something, doesn't mean it will be fulfilled or achieved. Not everyone sees eye to eye, and that is what makes the world so unique and have such a dynamic sense of being.

I am me. You are you. If our paths cross, so be it.
It could be worse, but it also could be better. It can always be better.

Less than a week ago I ended phone conversations with "I miss you. I love you. Sleep well." Now, because of stupid mistakes and my inability to seek help, I end conversations with "Hope you had a good day. Maybe I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."

I emailed a good friend from DC today about the situation. She sent back some wise words:

I don't think that things happen for a reason so if you do end up back together it's going to be because you both desperately care about each other and are willing to make it work. In fact, I think that sometimes things happen for no reason at all. That's the shitty thing about life. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason. But with time (and nothing else), you will be happy, whether it's with him or not.

I couldn't agree more.

I know I've made many small mistakes, and they all culminated in one huge mistake that played out in a mere 45 minutes (most of which I do not remember). I could list all my mistakes, but what good will that do? It won't reverse the situation. It won't undo the hurt that I have caused him. Listing negatives in my behavior will only make matters worse.
Instead, I can say what I am going to do:
- I will be seeing a psychiatrist starting this Friday. My parents have been pushing for me to do this for a long time. My mom shared with me this weekend that she's worried about me for some time. My family is familiar with my temper/irritability and they have been afraid/anxious that it would effect my personal relationships. My mom told me I've just been angry for almost eight years. Just underlying anger about seemingly nothing. And I feel it. I have. I am angry. I am not happy with just being; there's always something nagging at me. So the hope is that seeing the psychiatrist will help this issue and get to the bottom of my problems.
- I will not be taking life so goddamn seriously. I need to seperate my personal life from my soon-to-be professional life. Diabetes might be my whole life, for real for real, but I don't need to act as if I'm in front of a Congressional hearing every day. And I can't be surprised when others don't want to live that way/be susceptible to that (mis)treatment.
- I will start wishing on stars again. Even beyond that, I will look up more often. I used to do it all the time. Not sure why I stopped, but I used to feel so much better. And somehow I always felt some connection to my grandpa (RIP) while doing this (maybe because of the scene in the Lion King, but also because I know for a fact my grandpa is smiling down at me).
- I will lay off. I will give space. I will not ask for more than I deserve and I will not get angry when I feel neglected (because as of right now, everything is still not even close to enough).

I must be happy again.
I've hit rock bottom.
I see what I need to change.
And I'm going to fix this.
I may have been given false hope, but if there is any truth in the things he's told me over the past year, throwing it away with the snap of his fingers won't happen.