Less than a week ago I ended phone conversations with "I miss you. I love you. Sleep well." Now, because of stupid mistakes and my inability to seek help, I end conversations with "Hope you had a good day. Maybe I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."

I emailed a good friend from DC today about the situation. She sent back some wise words:

I don't think that things happen for a reason so if you do end up back together it's going to be because you both desperately care about each other and are willing to make it work. In fact, I think that sometimes things happen for no reason at all. That's the shitty thing about life. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason. But with time (and nothing else), you will be happy, whether it's with him or not.

I couldn't agree more.

I know I've made many small mistakes, and they all culminated in one huge mistake that played out in a mere 45 minutes (most of which I do not remember). I could list all my mistakes, but what good will that do? It won't reverse the situation. It won't undo the hurt that I have caused him. Listing negatives in my behavior will only make matters worse.
Instead, I can say what I am going to do:
- I will be seeing a psychiatrist starting this Friday. My parents have been pushing for me to do this for a long time. My mom shared with me this weekend that she's worried about me for some time. My family is familiar with my temper/irritability and they have been afraid/anxious that it would effect my personal relationships. My mom told me I've just been angry for almost eight years. Just underlying anger about seemingly nothing. And I feel it. I have. I am angry. I am not happy with just being; there's always something nagging at me. So the hope is that seeing the psychiatrist will help this issue and get to the bottom of my problems.
- I will not be taking life so goddamn seriously. I need to seperate my personal life from my soon-to-be professional life. Diabetes might be my whole life, for real for real, but I don't need to act as if I'm in front of a Congressional hearing every day. And I can't be surprised when others don't want to live that way/be susceptible to that (mis)treatment.
- I will start wishing on stars again. Even beyond that, I will look up more often. I used to do it all the time. Not sure why I stopped, but I used to feel so much better. And somehow I always felt some connection to my grandpa (RIP) while doing this (maybe because of the scene in the Lion King, but also because I know for a fact my grandpa is smiling down at me).
- I will lay off. I will give space. I will not ask for more than I deserve and I will not get angry when I feel neglected (because as of right now, everything is still not even close to enough).

I must be happy again.
I've hit rock bottom.
I see what I need to change.
And I'm going to fix this.
I may have been given false hope, but if there is any truth in the things he's told me over the past year, throwing it away with the snap of his fingers won't happen.