Politics; laughing; green beans; frozen raspberries; Joshua; adventures; finding beauty where most never look; being that person that says they knew about something before mainstream media/everyone else got on it; being optimistic in the most dire situations; jammin'.
I think I can safely say all of those are still in my greatest interests, but I've let them slip and slide. Out of sight, out of mind? Mostly in referrence to the laughing and optimism. I'm not sure how to explain it. Or how I am where I am now. Was it all a cover up? Am I still that optimistic person deep inside, dying to get out and spin in circles under the clouds? Can I laugh now how I laughed a year ago?
This feels like it has been a week of two steps forward, one step back. I really thought I was getting somewhere with the whole "let's be positive" deal, until things totally out of my hands ruined it all. There's only so much "it could be worse" can fix. I mean, yes, it could play out: Timmy - "Damn, I got a C on that paper I half-assed." Johnny - "But golly, Timmy, it could be worse. You could have failed." I feel like in the past four or five years, I've done the "it could be worse" dance a ton.. "Eh, I didn't do so well on the AP Calc test, but it could be worse - I could have failed the actual course." OR "DAMN, I didn't get that extra scholarship money to Santa Clara because my GPA was a 3.9 and not a 4.0, but it could be worse - I could'e not been accepted to any schools." I don't view those circumstances as dire or severe or life threatening, but I've used the line in other situations where, in retrospect, it isn't applicable: "Well, I was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 18, but it could be worse - I could have been diagnosed with terminal cancer." and "Grandpa died after a long and hard battle with Myasthenia Gravis (and a previous bout with bladder cancer), but it could be worse - he could still be alive and suffering." I don't think there are trade offs for these things. I don't think there's a better option. I don't think a "it could be worse" scenario exists. I realize life is better than death in most circumstances, but I would not wish this form of life on anyone. Nor can I expect anyone to understand unless they really deal with it every minute of their life like me. It isn't that simple, yet it is. Perspective is key. Perspective makes a world of a difference, but it is very hard to understand or even attempt to understand with a closed mind and a closed heart.
Everything is just that simple. It's hard for me to remember this. There doesn't always have to be tradeoffs or compromise. I don't always have to "win". Just because I like something, doesn't mean it will be fulfilled or achieved. Not everyone sees eye to eye, and that is what makes the world so unique and have such a dynamic sense of being.
I am me. You are you. If our paths cross, so be it. It could be worse, but it also could be better. It can always be better.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Less than a week ago I ended phone conversations with "I miss you. I love you. Sleep well." Now, because of stupid mistakes and my inability to seek help, I end conversations with "Hope you had a good day. Maybe I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."
I emailed a good friend from DC today about the situation. She sent back some wise words:
I don't think that things happen for a reason so if you do end up back together it's going to be because you both desperately care about each other and are willing to make it work. In fact, I think that sometimes things happen for no reason at all. That's the shitty thing about life. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason. But with time (and nothing else), you will be happy, whether it's with him or not.
I couldn't agree more.
I know I've made many small mistakes, and they all culminated in one huge mistake that played out in a mere 45 minutes (most of which I do not remember). I could list all my mistakes, but what good will that do? It won't reverse the situation. It won't undo the hurt that I have caused him. Listing negatives in my behavior will only make matters worse. Instead, I can say what I am going to do: - I will be seeing a psychiatrist starting this Friday. My parents have been pushing for me to do this for a long time. My mom shared with me this weekend that she's worried about me for some time. My family is familiar with my temper/irritability and they have been afraid/anxious that it would effect my personal relationships. My mom told me I've just been angry for almost eight years. Just underlying anger about seemingly nothing. And I feel it. I have. I am angry. I am not happy with just being; there's always something nagging at me. So the hope is that seeing the psychiatrist will help this issue and get to the bottom of my problems. - I will not be taking life so goddamn seriously. I need to seperate my personal life from my soon-to-be professional life. Diabetes might be my whole life, for real for real, but I don't need to act as if I'm in front of a Congressional hearing every day. And I can't be surprised when others don't want to live that way/be susceptible to that (mis)treatment. - I will start wishing on stars again. Even beyond that, I will look up more often. I used to do it all the time. Not sure why I stopped, but I used to feel so much better. And somehow I always felt some connection to my grandpa (RIP) while doing this (maybe because of the scene in the Lion King, but also because I know for a fact my grandpa is smiling down at me). - I will lay off. I will give space. I will not ask for more than I deserve and I will not get angry when I feel neglected (because as of right now, everything is still not even close to enough).
I must be happy again. I've hit rock bottom. I see what I need to change. And I'm going to fix this. I may have been given false hope, but if there is any truth in the things he's told me over the past year, throwing it away with the snap of his fingers won't happen.
Not sure why I stopped using this. It wasn't like it was a daily habit, but it was a nice relief every now and again.
I guess once I deactivate one thing (Facebook), I have the urge to reactivate another (this blog). Life was starting to get a little too busy for me when I stopped this. Now life is too serious. Correction -- I make life too serious, and take it too seriously. And then I have this great expectation for those around me to be on the same page. Something kind of shook me two days ago and I've been starting to re-evaluate. It was brought to my attention that I'm trying to grow up too fast. I was trying to so hard, I was forcing the concept on someone that is stuck with the Lost Boys in Neverland. Someone that was so stressed out by it, they were willing to drop everything if things didn't change. I haven't quite gotten a handle on what I will do to change the path I'm on, but at least I'm thinking about it. I know I used to be a lot more positive. I used to laugh a lot more. My life didn't revolve around when I would be able to read the next "Economist"/"Newsweek"/"Time".
I think sunshine will help my perspective. I think going home next weekend to see my family and a few friends will also help. I'll try to mend a few bridges that have begun to burn. Hopefully they aren't beyond repair.
I'm a problem solver. It's how my brain works. Put my mind to it, and it will be accomplished. This is just really poor timing - LOTS of school work to do this weekend.
Funny: A title in The Economist - The War Over Lobbyists Or, pots denouncing kettles
TRUTH: The end statement from afformentioned title - "Both candidates promise to change Washington. But the imperatives of politics, which requires lots of money and foot-soldiers, haven't changed yet."
Fascinating, but true: The author is speaking about her husband dying from cancer (anyone that's basically watched a loved one die can understand) - "We held on to hope, which, in this crisis, was another word for denial."
A little more truth: "If your joy is derived from what society thinks of you, you're always going to be disappointed." - Madonna
I'm also sickenly fascinated by our healthcare system. Or lackthereof. Or possible lackthereof (more of a personal fear, than national fear, I suppose). Do you know about your health insurance? When are you covered? When aren't you? What's your co-pay? What about prescription drug coverage? Howwww about alternative therapies (chiropractor, psychologist, etc.)? News flash! This stuff will affect everyone. If it stays the same and Medicare doesn't exist anymore, people who are covered by insurance will eventually be just as screwed as those that aren't. How do you think the hospital pays for all those un-insured patients?? Equally frightening - with some of the proposed plans, people with insurance now will be penalized. Why can't we just be like Europe? Their system works. (Okay, I have no real information on this, but everyone I live with right now is from either Belgium or Germany and they say it's much better than out system.) I guess my biggest concern here is that I have the potential to be one of those uninsured, fresh out of college, doe-eyed, scared-to-death, chronic/pre-existing condition Americans with $1,000/month prescription costs. That number is prescriptions alone. Doctor's visits and lab reports every three months are another $1,000. So that's at least &16,000 a year. Surprise, McCain wants to give people a $2,500 tax break. I'm sorry. That won't help me sleep easier OR cover much of anything. Maybe like three months worth of insulin.
Our government is in serious trouble, right? People keep saying this, right? And other people keep hearing it, riiiight? But until more people really look into it and learn the basics and realize this affects them just as much as it affects the uninsured, we are screwedddd.
OH and people need to stop miss-pronouncing diabetes. It's die-uh-beat-eez.
I understand the sensationalism that follows most forms of music, songs, artists and so forth. I get it. Trends come and go. A song is really popular for a bit and then it drops off. Or a following rises up and support continues. We've all witnessed this; maybe you've even been a part of it (hell, I loved "Sugar We're Going Down" when Fall Out Boy was first on MTV, but have since re-evaluated my preferences).. I'd like to focus your attention to the hyphy movement. Can you do the thizzle dance? Because I've met and seen a lot of pictures recently of surburban white kids thizz facing like there is no tomorrow. Three weeks ago, I had a girl from definitely-NOT-in-the-hood, California try and lecture me on what hyphy is. I just saw yet another picture of three white kids (one from where I'm from in Seattle aka not the hood, another from Spokane aka even further from the hood and then a girl that went to a high school that charge 30k/year) with their thizz faces on. Why???? It hurts my brain. My friends and I dabbled in thizz dancing back in 2006 because it was catchy and funny when not sober. But stopped (thank God) and grew out of it. I can try and give these kids the benefit of the doubt.. Maybe they're just discovering all that is Mac Dre (RIP) and the movement..? But good Lord. I would love to see an encounter of these kids and liiiike my boyfriend's high school classmates. Or even better - I'd love to plop these kids in the middle of Oakland, let's say MacArthur Boulevard and 80th. Or somewhere on International. These kids would be lost, scared, and completely out of place. I wonder what making a thizz face would do for them then. Hmmmm.
Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes I overstep my line of white-girl-dating-(half)black-boy status.. But. Even if I wasn't dating who I'm dating, I'm pretty informed on music. I enjoy most music genres (right now my Pandora is flip-flopping from the Roots (which gives me Tribe, Common, Nas, and other greatness) to Michael Franti (more reggae-ish/folk-y, but add in Jurassic 5 and Jack Johnson)). I have cousins in the Bay Area and have been exposed to the hyphy movement for a while, and have always been interested, for whatever reason. I can't say I relate to life in Oakland or other areas of the Bay that are dealing with similar issues, but I can read, watch, listen and learn.
Time to get off the soapbox again and write yet another paper. Looking forward to being a tourist in 25 days. Woo! (Boyfriend will be visiting and we'll have plenty of time to wander the city!)
PS - Some people here do not like their internships/are just doing it because they think it will provide the best opportunity/don't even show up on time/don't have an internship that requires they show up on time. What the heck?? Why would you be here without some passion, desire and fire? I can't imagine.
I feel like my life is about boundaries. Overstepping them. Testing them. Doubting them. Challenging them. And most importantly, fearing them.
When I was little, I was coloring. All of a sudden, I aggresively pushed all the crayons that were laid out on my kiddie table onto the floor. As they sprayed all over the kitchen, I giggled and laughed with glee. My dad reprimanded me, had me apologize, and told me not to do it again, or else. So I was coloring and coloring, trying my hardest to stay in the lines.. And then bam, I was compelled to spread the crayons all over the floor again. Of course, the consequence was to be put in my crib (we were in the process of transitioning to a "big girl bed") until I apologized and was remorseful. Supposedly I cried for a minute and then got to playing with my stuffed animals until I called out to my dad, "Daaaaddyyyyyy, I'm sowwyyyy" (total lisp, I was such a cute child). He came and got me and explained I could color, but everything would be taken away if I did it again. So I got back to staying in the lines. And was content. Until again, the crayons scattered. My dad looked at me and I threw my hands up in the air, shrugged my shoulders and said "I guess it's time for a time out, huh Daddy?" At this point, my parents developed harsher punishments and I learned not to overstep their boundaries in those situations.
Somewhat related, I also feel like I constantly deal with a great deal of contradiction..
A. My father works for Boeing in a Defense Contracting area. Of course there will always be a need for fighter jets in this lifetime (we all can dream for peace, but yeahh rightttt), and my father could easily find a similar job if Defense were to ever downsize, BUT I can't help but believe a Republican President would most likely guarantee his job and position forever. B. My mother is a nurse. I have a chronic, "pre-existing condition". Period, point-blank, a Democrat as President would greatly improve both of our lives. Which is more important? I guess it's two versus one, but still.....
A. I love being in DC. I think this is a once in a lifetime opportunity given the current political climate and my career interests. I have a great internship. My class is exposed to phenomenal speakers on a daily basis. I am learning a vast amount of information and actually enjoying it. B. I miss my boyfriend. I've basically been with him seven days in the past four months. (No exagerration there.) Even worse, I won't see him until January. It's getting to the point where not only do I always think about him, I'm starting to count down the days here because I just want to be with him. Am I taking this experience for granted? Will I regret this?
A. I want to go to church every Sunday. I want to work out at least two hours a day. I want to do each and every single reading for my classes prior to attending class. I really really want to do all these things and constantly remind myself of my interest, desire, and overall previous enthusiasm. B. I haven't been to church since the first weekend. I make it to the gym five days a week. I read eventually. Is having the intention to do something good enough? Am I pulling some wool over my own eyes?
So many questions to think about and explore answers. Hm. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.
This week's focus is entitlement programs and public policies (healthcare, education, social security). These are my interests. This is why I'm here. I'm so excited.
Ignorance is bliss. Or so they say...? I think if anyone is ignorant in this day and age, they have no one to blame but themselves. These people should not be allowed to have an opinion slash speak, or at least have very limited access to the public and/or influencing other less informed people's thoughts. I understand, by definition (lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact; uninformed; unaware), WE ALL fall within the "ignorant" category at some point. BUT I believe I genuinely make an effort to only speak passionately about things I know, and keep the rest of my gibberish to myself or my very close friends. I try to stick to factual statements, not opinions of possibly correct ideas. A lot of the speaker's I have had the opportunity to hear from in the past two months have held high-ranking positions at prestigious newspaper/news organizations/polling agencies/etcetera. People ranging from Hillary Clinton's primary speechwriter (SO COOL) to Juan Williams (equally SO COOL). Each person has touched on today's 24/7 media, the rush and urgency placed on "breaking news"... Basically, our news cycle is detrimental to the quality of reports we, the American public, receive. Read: mainstream media is bullsh*t. The reliance our generation has on blogs as a main newsource is ridiculous. Yes, they are good for commentary. I fully support the search for information and self-exploration via others views, but these political blogs are being viewed as the end-all, be-all, infallible source. FALSE. Completely false. Until these bloggers support their claims with at least two credible sources, they should be ignored in the "news" genre. Jesus, even some newspapers these days only cite one source (USA Today, for example). This alone is a huge problem. But the bigger problem, in my eyes, is my generation’s faith in blogs. And the Colbert report. And entertaining news. HUGE PROBLEM. ... I have some close friends that will be voting for the first time EVER come November 4th. Not only is it their first time they have the opportunity to use their god-given right as an American citizen to vote, but they have the potential to get the "change" they desire through a new president. Maybe I've lost my naive view of politics, or been exposed to too much policy and "insider" information (especially since being in DC), but these friends think they will be making a difference. Now, don't get me wrong. Voting is important. I think every person that doesn't vote should not be allowed to open their mouth regarding anything political in the next four years, but once someone is elected, it will take a significant amount of time for anything to happen, for any "change" to occur. I think many expect immediate change in policy and the economy and taxes and everything. But that just is not how it works. At. All. The friends that will be voting for the first time are informed on the issues, or so they say/attempt to be. But only so much information can be fit in between classes and "totally raging man, yeahhhh". Which I understand. We're young. Fun should be had by all. But again with the ignorance-is-bliss theory, I question their sincerity. Do they understand the huge feats that will have to be accomplished within Congress and the Senate before this "Candidate for Change" will be able to actually implement this change he speaks of/promises? Maybe we allllll need a run through of School House Rock's "How a Bill Becomes a Law"...?
Hint: Congress people and Senators are who really matter. Lobby them! Tell them what you want their priorities to be! You are their constituent. They have to report directly to you. The President has to answer to ALL of America, who hold him less accountable because of this fact. Did you know that Congress currently has a 13% approval rating?? And how many of those Congress people will be back in their seats in January...? You'd be wildly surprised. My ultimate questions are: 1. Will the youth actually vote? 2. Will the African American/Black (which is PC these days??) population vote?? We shall see......
Time to step off soap-box in the political realm. (I'm one of those damn bloggers with the opinions with no citations that I hate, AH!) One more thing that absolutely infuriated me today - I was searching for newspaper articles for my internship (daily duty when I'm there; I find it very informative, useful and therapeutic) and found an article about addiction. The drug of addiction in this case was heroin. The author is the mother of this addicted person: Blahblahblahblah talking about addiction and how it's embarrassing for her... "Experts describe addiction as a chronic, relapsing disease, 'like someone with diabetes that ends up with out-of-control blood sugar that may have been self-inflicted from not following his diet,' in the words of Wilson Compton, director of the division of Epidemiology, Services and Prevention Research at the National Institute on Drug Abuse." EXCUSE ME MR. COMPTON, but unless you were referring to type 2 diabetics (which you did not clarify because you are too ignorant (yes, I went there) to know any better, no diabetic brings "out-of-control blood sugar" upon themselves because diabetes is developed unknowingly. There are a small percentage of cases that are linked to genetics, but all other diabetics get it because their body is attacking itself because it feels like it. AKA there is no reason a person has type 1 diabetes. I slightly understand his intention if he was referring to type 2, but the fact that he failed to differentiate means he has no idea what he's talking about.
Okay, for happier news, I'm exhausted. I got four hours of sleep last night thanks to a housemate going absolutely bonkers (no exaggeration, we think she's bi-polar and dangerous). I am excited for the weekend, but oh, wait, I have one paper due Wednesday and another due the following Monday. It appears that I will not know what a weekend is like until maybe November? Ohhhh, goodie.
